10 of the best Billy Connolly quotes
01 Aug 2014
10 of the best Billy Connolly quotes
The sharp-tongued Scottish comedian is set to take his new tour on the road this autumn. Here’s a look back at some of his more memorable quotes.
With a career in the entertainment industry spanning nearly 40 years the sharp-tongued comedian has had his fair share of memorable lines.

Here are 10 of the best Billy Connolly quotes

“Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.”

“Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.”

“Im a huge film star... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f---ing minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a f---ing Muppet movie."

“I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.”

“I don't aim to offend.”

"I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white."

"A lot of people say that it's a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words but I still prefer 'f---.'"

“I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended. “

“I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning... that can keep me awake for days.” “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.”

Billy Connolly will take his High Horse tour around his native Scotland during September and October 2014.

The Billy Connolly tour will include shows in Aberdeen, Perth, Edinburgh, Dundee and Glasgow with tickets now on sale.